Saturday I woke up trying to be positive, but feeling really... well, depressed. Combined with the increasing level of pain I've been having and I ended up having a fun little psychotic (did I mention that psychosis is actually a symptom of Cushing's?) episode. It was pretty much set off by the fact that my arms/shoulders/wrist got so bad I nearly dropped Kassie, which led to me getting depressed over the fact that couldn't take care of my own baby. So then I started thinking that the only way to solve the problem was to stop with the whole breastfeeding thing, so they'd let me have a stronger painkiller, but that idea depressed me further, which led to me not wanting to make the decision at all, and I just wanted to die. Then I thought about Kassie, decided I didn't want to die after all, got upset about not being able to take care of her... and it went round and round. I ended up laying in bed crying and doing that for about three hours straight, fighting with myself over whether or not things were really bad enough for me to want to die and, if they were, how I would go about it.
Yeah, yeah. I know. It sounds immensely emo. It's not me at all, honestly, all things considered I'm very happy with my life. But at the moment it was bad, and that just goes to prove how messed up even a perfectly stable person's head can get thanks to fucking hormones. I honestly have not been that nuts since highschool and it was terrifying.
Ended up calling my mom in tears, she flipped, wanted to take me to the ER. The problem with this sort of pain is that... it's invisible. Anybody who's had pain like that can tell you how frustrating it is. It's very much there and it can really mess you up... but the doctors can't actually see the cause of it at a glance. So rushing off to the ER crying about some sort of invisible agonizing pain and begging for something more than Aleve, Advil, or Tylenol (of which I had taken four, sixteen, and eight, respectively, already that day) isn't exactly my idea of fun. I sort of halfassedly explained this to my mom, she understood, and instead we phoned up the on-call doctor at my local office and he gave me enough Tylenol #3 for the weekend.
Come to today, and I promptly emailed the endocrinologist saying that I know the last test result isn't back, but asking if they had any thoughts on what we do have so far. Turns out the final test came back - abnormal - and so we're moving forward with baby steps once more. Tests, bloodwork and another 24-hour UFC, and an MRI.
Chug chug chug, sloooooowly...
In baby news, Kassie is six months old as of February 6th and had her 6-month appointment on the 9th. And... she is not helping the stress level right now. As of the appointment is is 24in, and 11lbs 10oz. The doctor says she's fallen off the growth charts entirely at this point, and is continuing to press the idea of formula supplementation. And, as always, I'm not exactly keen on that. I really, really, really want to avoid it. We are holding off a bit longer as we start to introduce proper solid foods to the kiddo.
While I'm all in a tizzy over her growth, the kid certainly seems healthy enough in every other way. She looks fine, she acts fine, and dear lord does she eat fine. I nurse her about five times a day, and two to three times a day I'll nurse her, then give her cereal and some of whatever food we're on at the moment. She wolfs down two or three tablespoons of "real" food and about a half of a cup (no freaking lie) of cereal in one sitting, and more often than not has a fit because she wants more. The child must be hollow, because I have no idea where else she'd be putting it.
As far as food goes, she's an absolute freaking pro. We've tried two foods so far, sweet potatoes first and most recently avocado. I'm aiming for foods that are especially nutritious for her first stuff, and the avocado in particular has a high fat content... so, while I know she's not actually getting a lot of nutrition from solid food at this point, I figure I might as well try for healthy stuff that stands a chance of helping her gain a little. And I'm excited that she actually seems to like the avocado better than the sweet potato, which surprised me. Next we're probably going to try squash, then peas. It was suggested that, if she shows interest, start trying bits of soft fruits and veggies as well and let her feed herself. She very much shows interest in food (she watches every time people around her are eating, tries to grab it for herself, and if you get it close to her mouth she opens wide) so I'm thinking I'll give it a go with maybe avocado chunks, or bananas once we give those a shot. Alex has a thing where he loves making her cereal really thick/chunky and she handles that without problems, so I think she'll get a kick out of feeding herself.
Man, baby stuff (aside from the whole, "OMG YOUR CHILD IS TOO SMALL" and "FAILURE TO THRIVE" plastered all over her charts) is a lot more fun to talk about than my own health issues.